Well alot has happened since the Last Post. Im on the Job Hunt which is going good I guess. Im really trying to get a job with Verizon in chandler. They pay pretty good and have great benefits. They contacted me back so Im just gonna keep bugging them until I get an interview. And hopefully get the job. Its seven weeks training and then eleven weeks with a supervisor next to me. But it Pays enough to put up with that. Plus its paid training so yea. But the training doesn't start until july 15th so tomorrow im going to Inegrity staffing to get a temporary job just to bring some money in. Probably a warehouse job. They pay eleven an hour so its not that bad I guess. its defenetly temporary though. So hopefully verizon works out but im still looking. I want a job with benefits cause I lose my health benefits in a couple years. My brother david has worked at verizon forever. But the benefits are defenitly very good and I really want a job there if you couldn't tell. Well The Lakers Lost in the finals which is like the worst thing ever But they are young and do have a bright future. Oh and I hate the Celtics. Can't wait to see how Bynum in the lineup is going to change the team. I think its gonna be new orleans and Lakers next year in the WCF. Boston will probably be in the finals next year too. But next year should be interesting in the NBA. Hopefully Kobe can get a gold medal this summer at the olympics. But I think im going to my parents tonight. But yea nothing really too exciting.

Bret you got it going on!!!!!This Makes everyday a good day!



Song for Koko



The rhyme!



Buisness time!



Cheer up Murray!




The Love Tape!



Foux da fa fa!



Kiss is not a contract!




Leggie Blonde!



Albi the racist dragon!



Mermaids!



Im not crying!



You could be a part time model!



Prince of the party!

I Like to read these mostly cause I think sometimes it feels good to know that a lot of thoughts that my brain does tend to have from time to time is ok. These poems might scare anyone who reads them but I guess I just like dark things.

Sweetest Suicide
© By Brittany S. Lee

I would need this gun
To complete my mission
I would need this CD
So I can listen
A cell phone
To say good bye
Kleenex
For my cry
This is the sweetest suicide
A car
So I can drive
A pin and pad
To leave a note
Alcohol
To numb the pain
Weed
To fuck up my brain
Maybe coke
To thin my veins
This is the sweetest suicide
Photos
To remember the good times
A destination
To do my crime
The ocean
Because I love it
A watch
To mark the time
Farewell
Goodbye
I can't make up my mind
This is the sweetest suicide
I feel the wind blowing up my sleeves
The ocean water touching my knees
The earth is so beautiful
To bad I have to leave
The tide is high
I take a swim
Now I start counting
Down to my sin
The gun is loaded
My letters wrote
Blues are playing
I take a line of coke
Calls are made
Messages sent
I hit this weed
And take a sip
Splatter my brains
And fall into the ocean
This is the sweetest suicide
Farewell
Goodbye.


kurt cobains suicide note
Frances and Courtney, I'll be at your altar. Please keep going Courtney, for Frances for her life will be so much happier without me. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU.
Suicide note.
~~ Kurt Cobain, musician, d. April 8, 1994

hey pig
yeah you
hey pig piggy pig pig pig
all of my fears came true
black and blue and broken bones you left me here i'm all alone
my little piggy needed something new
nothing can stop me now
i don't care anymore
nothing can stop me now
i just don't care
hey pig
nothing's turning out the way i planned
hey pig there's a lot of things i hoped you could help me understand
what am i supposed to do i lost my shit because of you
nothing can stop me now
i don't care anymore nothing can stop me now
i just don't care
nothing can stop me now
you don't need me anymore

tried to save myself but myself keeps slipping away

talking to myself all the way to the station
pictures in my head of the final destination all lined up
(all the one's that aren't allowed to stay)
tried to save myself but myself keeps slipping away

tried to save a place from the cuts and the scratches
tried to overcome the complications and the catches
nothing ever grows and the sun doesn't shine all day
tried to save myself but myself keeps slipping away

tried to save myself but myself keeps slipping away

So went to benson which is right by tuscon sort of. Camerons mom cooks sooooo good seriuously! But it was cool I slept in a trailer which was cool. I worked like crazy but thats cool! Everyone was getting sick and I didn't until I got home Ive been up like all night puking which sucked seriously! But I feel alot better right now Im just trying to be easy on my stomach. So now im back to life agian and thats cool. I missed my dog a ton cause he is like the coolest dog in the world. Except when he whins in the morning. Hence the reason for this early post. Today I gotta pay my electric bill and figure out all my debt thats my project for today. Oh and Im going to church tonight at six. So always excited for church cause my church rocks! But mostly ive just been doing a lot of thinking lately about life and all that fun stuff. So I have some big plans coming up. I really just want to play and write and record music. seriuosly! Ive been working on portrait of stacey alot and its almost done and the way I want it. So Yea gotta follow in Jacos footprints he had his famous portrait of tracy and Im gonna have portrait of stacey. So yea! I just want to focus on music and not a girl! Cause yea the creative juices stop really quick for me if there is a girl in my life. Plus It sounds wierd but I really havent gotten over alot about my past. Or maybe I like the misery of it. Who knows? But yea right now I know I can't reach my highest potential with someone in my life. But maybe someday itll be different. But hey I like the way I am. well Im gonna try to go back to bed.

So last night I had the most random dream ever. Ok so I hooked up with Kourtney Kardashian which is funny cause Kim is the hot sister but Yea Kourtney is good looking too. So shes my girlfriend and my job is to write music for across the Universe the movie. And everyone was coming up to me telling me how genius I was and I did a bunch of interviews and hung out with kourtney my hot girlfriend. Totally a wierd dream but I woke up before my alarm and just started cracking up because that is the most random dream ever. So today was a really good day for me cause I feel like I have such a bigger and more positive perspective on life right now and It feels so good when you go down a dark hole that you feel you are never going to get out of to have family there for you. I am soooooo grateful! My sister Jenny helped me out a ton cause I think she is the sibling that I can relate too the most. It must be an aries thing or something. But she wrote me the greatest email today and I read it before work and had an amazing day. I just got home from work and that was good. Im going down to benson to do a cabinet set thursday so i should get a lot of hours which is good cause I need the money. I am on the biggest Nellie mckay kick right now. She is amazing! Sorry Koutney hahahha just kidding. well her is one of her songs that is simply amazing! I Love you Nellie and I want to marry her seriously!






Sari (3:27)

Sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t apologize so much
that it’s jive it’s a crutch
I just used when I’m judged
bein’ fudged by a face I can’t erase and can’t see
cuz I misplaced a dossier or Monty Python CD
or somethin’ stupid like that
but jesus is that so bad
to make my ego go splat
like a tire goin’ flat
or fat on a big mac
I’m bein’ attacked
tit for tat
you fuckin’ bureaucrats
you can just apologize back

(bridge)
But I don’t know when it comes and it goes
all the highs and the lows
in this motionless psychosis
ieeieei and I die fadin’ straight away
ieeieei and I cry every waking day
I don’t know what else to say

(chorus)
I’m sorry for the mess
the stupid way I’m dressed
I guess I failed my test
oh don’t you know I’m sorry for my views
I musta been confused
and yet you know that really I’m sorry for you

Well now I don’t mean to offend, much
just comprehend
when you’re female and you’re fenced in and
phen-phened to no end
and no zen guide to men will help you fend off the brethren
and then the pen appears
and better than the oxygen network
or the sword or the spear or the fork
or the bored pork-fed horde
it’s a mooring post
the whore you’ll miss the most when you’re away
when you’re in Snowshoe PA
doin’ some play from Backstage
that deals with AIDS and race and gays and
relationships and ballet
and then you’re like “hey yay what’d you say?
I can just sing my troubles away?”
but then you’re fucked
‘cause you gotta make a buck
and the whole world sucks
and you’re like a lame duck
that’s lyin’ dyin’ tryin’ to sell out
but there’s no one buyin’ and there’s all this doubt
and you can preen and dream and scream and shot
but your life’s affliction is the fiction of Faust

(bridge)

I’m sorry for the time
the stupid way I rhyme
I knew I shoulda chose a life of crime
I’m sorry for my blues
I know it’s all old news
and yet you know that really I’m sorry for you

I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry
I also mirror this apology
this idealogy of sorry
in part of the liberal theology that’s leading us to hari-kari
it’s like a mythology, almost
like a malingering ghost
as we slowly decompose
writing in the grave of the polls
cryin’ for Senator Wellstone and then proceeding to moan
at our own supposed sabotage of the elections at home
“oh somebody phone home!
the American people have spoken!”
now is that certain?
maybe those nice Midwestern folks were just jokin’
in any case there’s no use in dopin’ chokin’ mopin’ and sobbin’
come on you disheartenin’ dobbins
sayin’ sorry is my problem
so to conclude
I’m a little of a prude
so it’s difficult for me to have to allude
to all this rude crude verbal baggage
but I manage cuz I’m a savage inside
I may listen to Enya’s greatest hits
and try to control my hissy fits with pride
won’t get my hair dyed
but oh the onus of lyin’ all the time
I don’t wanna say, “diiiie motherfucker!”
but I wouldn’t mind if you did
sometimes even the nice girl’s ego has to override the id
and so before I flip my lid my crib
and get myself out of this bind
you can hear what’s on my lips but you don’t know
what’s in my mind

(chorus)

I’m sorry for you I’m sorry for you
I’m sorry
waaaah

Well I was feeling really down about a ton of things that are going on in my life. I was feeling really depressed and low and my parents came over and It helped me soooooo much. It feels good to have a great family like mine and I guess I never really appreciated it as much before. I feel happy right now and optimistic about my future which is such a great thing. I was feeling hopeless in life but with the love of my family it has brought my spirits up and I now know that things are gonna be ok. I've decided that when my lease ends Im going to move back home and work on getting debt free and starting fresh. I know it will be hard cause im so used to the freedom of living alone but I really need to get out of debt more and I know I can't if im supporting myself making it paycheck to paycheck. Also I want to start saving up to put a good down payment on a home for me and Jaco. I was feeling really low thinking that I don't have anything to offer anybody in a relationship sense. I think it is true right now Im still so damaged from so many things over the last five years and most of it I haven't dealt with in a healthy way. But Im looking toward the future with hope which Im very happy about.


This is a video of my future Wife seriously!

so today after work I went to the library cause I actually really like the library and didn't really go much cause I was with Dawn. But it was good I felt I needed to get a book about recovery so I can learn more about it. So I got a book called a miracle method a radically new approach to problem drinking. I don't know I really hate it when I cave to drinking it seriously makes me feel like crap everytime I do. And I get really disappointed in myself. But I am still fighting so what else can I do!

Well sunday is pretty much over and I really wanted to post! I've had a creative weekend and for the first time in a while the music is flowing agian. Its my only escape and without it Id be lost. The lakers are doing awesome hell yea! Go Lakers! This weekend I just had fun with the Bass and its been way too long. Its wierd how much the jaco sound is influenced with the way I play. But hey what can I say he is my hero. I went to church which was good I really needed to go really bad. Saw alot of my friends and that was really cool. Then went to my parents which is always a comedy. I had a good weekend overall though. My Birthday is coming which is good I guess. Im doing the whole birthday thing friday with my family so yea. But yea life has been going really good lately. Well I gotta sleep cause it feels good!

So today was a great day! A Homeowner gave me a fifty dollar solar power casio watch! Freakin Awesome! I also got my birthday gift today from my parents! Its a table and two chairs! Its like a really high table with two bar chairs! Its like cherry colored its perfect! I Love it! I ate my healthy shells and cheese at my new table today! I've been pretty sick lately I actually had Pink Eye Gross! Well actually it was in both eyes so it was more like Pink eyes! I watched the suns game and they won GRRRRRR! Well its getting late and I gotta go to sleep!

most of the day I spent with my parents! Which was good and all and then I came home tonight and I was having a really hard time staying sober tonight. As crazy as It sounds I honestly feel like My personality doesn't exist without alchohol or some drug. Or I just get in moods that I really do hate me when Im sober. When I have the right amount of alchohol not too much or too little I feel like me! I feel happy and I feel less vulnerable to my past. And less vulnerable to a lot of things. I feel I never really do any drugs to get away from those things. I used to do drugs but I did them for the experience and not for any self medicated purpose. I think people who do drugs for self medicated drugs especially psychelic drugs they go into the experience wrong and never fully get as much as they could have out of it. But thats my take on that matter. But tonight Im sober which is good cause I got pretty pissed off about a bunch of things going on and really wanted to drink. But I keep fighting cause Its whats best for me. I've lost a lot! I've lost a lot of friends who ended up not really being my friends and a Lover who ended up almost taking my life with my vulnerability too my past.

Do Yea I had a totally loooooong work day like 11 hours but seriously I felt really awesome today. Right now Im watching Mr Deeds I love that movie Ill probably watch it until I pass out asleep! Im exhausted from work! I got four new blisters today pretty gross but yea! Im feeling a ton better than I have been for like a week or so! I talked a ton to my friend from church and it really made me feel a lot better. Well I gotta watch the movie Ill post later! Heres a video and lyrics!



Someone found the future as a statue in a fountain
At attention, looking backward in a pool of water
Wishes with a blue songbird on his shoulder
Who keeps singing over everything
Everything means nothing to me
Everything means nothing to me
Everything means nothing to me
I picked up the song and found my picture in the paper
The reflection in the water showed an iron man still trying to salute
People from a time when he was everything he's supposed to be
Everything means nothing to me
Everything means nothing to me
Everything means nothing to me
Everything means nothing to me

Well I went back to A.A to keep fighting sobriety! Its something that I really struggle with and Im almost at one year fighting this! So here I am starting over with what feels like the millionth time! I went to a meeting closer to my apartment and there was people actually closer to my age than the other meeting place. Im having a really hard time right now coping with depression especially when imober. It seems like depression always hits harder when im sober. Its wierd but when I get depressed I feel so lonely but don't want anyone near me! Its a truly wierd feeling. But on the bright side Yesterday I was feeling soooooo depressed and I was flipping through channels and turned on ferris buellers day off and when the part with cameron in bed came on it made me laugh soooooo hard. So thats where I am right now im trying really hard to stay sober agian and hope for the best. I guess thats all I can do!

Well alot has happened since last posts! Mostly just a lot of crap. But I went to church tonight and it was awesome cause it was easter and all. Josh the guy at my church kept calling me cause I didn't go for like a couple weeks. When I went a lot of people came up to me and said "Hey haven't seen you in a while". It felt good to know that other people care about me. So after church me Josh Rachel and tyler went to taco bell that was cool those people are crazy cool and funny. Im gonna try to make it to bible study tomarrow night. We are in galatians I just read the last chapter there was a lot of great things in that chapter. Thats the chapter that says you reap what you sow. I've had a lot of struggles these past couple of weeks and its good to know that people care and think about you. But im hanging in there and thats all I can do right now!

Life is good School is going good I gotta to study like crazy for a soc exam so thats my nightly adventure. My buddy Ray came over and we watched the game and it was awesome suns lost. Ha. But we ate pizza and I drank 1 beer and we just chilled and it was cool. Until Rays car almost got broken into. So Ray left and I still had like four beers left in my fridge but i Said "Yea im probably not gonna drink these for a while" So I threw them away cause as I figure it, drinking a beer during a game or out at a resturant isn't gonna make me a crazy alchoholic. Right now im at the point in my life where there honestly isn't anything attractive about being completly Drunk. I guess Homeless Mark grew up. Im not gonna lie I do like the taste of rolling rocks and it goes good with some meals. I feel like I am more responsible with it cause I know that the world when your drinking very heavy really isn't fun. It makes me really lazy and cranky and I like to be up beat as much as I can. So I talked to Dawn and we talked about it and for a second she seemed cool and then not and then cool and then not. Then she said that she might not talk to me ever agian cause all I want to do is have a drink during a game or at a resturant. I don't see myself as being a person who drinks everyday probably not even every week. This was something i had to Learn the very hard way. Alchohol Doesn't solve your problems ever. I thought it would it failed. Life is stressful always and there is always gonna be money problems girl problems freinds coming and leaving you know every day crap. I feel that I am very responsible when it comes to drinking and once I was foolish and I would be a fool if I didn't learn from what has happened. The important thing I feel is im not gonna change myself for anybody cause I did that with Stacey and it made me miserable. If Dawn my judgement than cool cause we are really good together. If she doesn't thats ok too cause I totally understand where she is coming from I did a lot of stupid things when I was drinking a lot. But I feel I have grown up and got out of my childish ways of being a heavy drinker. Those days are over for me. Live and Learn.

OK so I think its sooooo funny how life works in certain ways. I had a friend recently say that I go through cycles of addictions. Now granite this person Is a huge alchoholic. Now this is a defenition of an alchoholic When you are powerless over alchohol and your life seems unmanagable. While for a while Ill admit I did drink very heavily and it really wasn't a healthy solution from getting divorced. But my life was never unmanagable. I mean I always worked never Didn't have a job or get laid off from a job I paid my bills. And to this Day I still support myself. So How am I an Alchoholic? Ok Am I powerless to alchohol. I drank before I went to washington and I never drank for about two years. Then I started drinking agian Made a huge mistake with dawn and thought "Oh it must be the Alchohol". Well honestly that really wasn't the case the case was I still felt broken inside from being divorced even though it was a very good thing it ended it is always hard to lose someone who one day you thought you would be with forever. It was really good that it ended but it still hurt Im not gonna lie. Ok so back to my friend. His life became unmanagable because of alchohol. He Drank like most every night and Lost his job and to this day because of his Alchohol Addiction can't even support himself. He really was one of my really good friends at one time and for him to say that I just go through cycles of addiction is quite humorous. Ive been on my own for almost 5 years and this person wasn't even on thier own 2 years before they had to run back to thier mommy because they couldn't seem to manage thier own life. He is such a winner.

Holy Crap What a crazy week! And Its only Thursday! Im Super excited that my sister is coming I haven't seen her since two thanksgivings ago! So today I worked in Tonto Basin thats by payson Its Cold!!!! I Love the Show Flight of the Conchords! Serious that show is awesome Major props to Dawn for showing me it. So I've decided that I need a second Job on weekends cause I need more Money of course duh! So Ive been sick and that stinks and I still don't feel 100% but what are you gonna do just keep truckin. Oh Yea The Lakers won Last night and Played awesome! They beat the suns in Shaq's debut! Lakers look really good this season and I really think they have a good shot at the title. Holy crap if you would have asked me like two years ago if lakers were gonna have a chance at the title and I probably would have lied and said yes but this time Im telling the truth im so excited for the rest of the season. I gotta study tonight so yea! Dawns in the hospital and I hope she gets better soon and Ill be praying for her. Well her is a cool video that feels like How i am feeling right now!


The faces all around me - they don't smile, they just crack.
Waiting for our ship to come, but our ship's not coming back.
We do our time like pennies in a jar, but what are we saving for?
What are we saving for?

There’s a smell of stale fear, and it's reeking from our skins.
The drinking never stops because the drinks absolve our sins.
We sit and grow our roots into the floor, but what are we waiting for?
What are we waiting for?

So give me something to believe
'Cause I am living just to breathe.
And I need something more
To keep on breathing for,
So give me something to believe.

Something’s always coming - you can hear it in the ground.
It swells into the air with the rising, rising sound
And never comes but shakes the boards and rattles all the doors.
What are we waiting for? What are we waiting for?

So give me something to believe
'Cause I am living just to breathe.
And I need something more
To keep on breathing for,
So give me something to believe.

I am hiding from some beast, but the beast was always here.
Watching without eyes because the beast is just my fear
That I am just nothing - that's just what I’ve become.
What am I waiting for? It’s already done.

So give me something to believe
'Cause I am living just to breathe.
And I need something more
To keep on breathing for,
So give me something to believe.

And I need something more
To keep on breathing for,
So give me something to believe.